I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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