Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize