Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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