areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
