We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
