She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you would pick up someone in the library
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
