He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
