what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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