A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
