made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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