Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
