I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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