fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Pants are for mortals
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
