Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
