If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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