I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
