the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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