My Higher Power is John Stamos
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Im part way to drunk.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
