FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
