please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
