I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
