ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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