im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
