I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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