So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
