So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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