between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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