it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
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