How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
