I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She even gives head with a lisp.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
