Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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