I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
