After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
