Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
