So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
