Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
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