I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
