Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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