I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
