i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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