I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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