WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize