He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
