just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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