Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
