I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
last night I used snow as a chaser
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
