now i know why i became what i already was.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
