It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
