My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
