I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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