I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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