I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
