Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
