You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
