listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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