I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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