Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
