please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
