When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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