Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize