the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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