grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
