no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Alive.
So much puke
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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