I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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