Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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