I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
