i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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